Life as I know it now

 I so often forget that I even started this blog.  I used to have a couple of faithful readers but I am pretty sure thier lives are too busy to read my nonsense.  I, on the other hand, read my own blogs from time to time and realize I am having a pretty good life...in general.  I am widow now.  My mom is in a lovely care facility.  I bought a house.  I have worked hard at establishing a "new life" of independence.  It is hard.  I have an amazing circle of friend and loved ones with whom I share adventures, acitivites and crazy ass shit.  I also have lots of lonely moments. You would think at 67 years old I would have figured out who I am and what I want to be when I grow up.  I haven't..in case you were wondering.  

I am a nurse.  That has never been a question.  I became a bellydancer and performer at a ripe old age. I love adding that to my resume. I am a designer of costumes, maker of wedding dresses, creator of art. I am a happy grandma and whiskey advocate. I am afraid of life as I age and yet I approach it with much enthusiasm.  I cannot imagine saying no to almost any adventure (unless its too expensive). I got to travel to Italy and the Panama canal, Hawaii and Mexico.  I am off to Alaska yet again..I want to pack as much as I can into life.  I say..Lets do it..and lets do it now..  Whose with me.?????

Still here..still Covid....struggling

Well...It's been over 6 months and the world is still dealing with a pandemic of epic proportions.  Most of the world is still in lock down.  You cannot eat inside a restaurant.  You can eat outside in some places but with temps in the 100's outdoor dining can be unpleasant.  You can get your hair cut finally but you still cannot have your nails done inside.  Sitting in a bucket of cool water in a parking lot, having your pedicure is less than relaxing.  This all sounds petty but it is the whole flavor of drama that has come with the pandemic.  You MUST wear a mask when going anywhere outside your home.  Hey, that is fine with me.  I have been wearing a mask at work most of my life.  You have to stay six feet apart from people in lines at the stores.  I am fine with that too.  People tend to get right up your ass most of the time.  This is ok.  You cannot gather in crowds more than 12 and they cannot be people you are not in contact with on a regular basis.  I never do...so ok.  No movie theaters, no concerts, the third degree when entering a doctors office. Ok..The level of disregard for human life is not something I am OK with.  There are many people who won't wear a mask...they won't stand six feet away from me...they insist on gathering in large, unmasked parties.  It has been six months people..if you would do what was asked of you this would be over a whole lot faster.  Ok..this rant is over..

My dear mom fell several weeks ago and fractured her back.  It took three of us to get her into the car and to the hospital, all the while Mom telling us she was in pain but there was nothing wrong.  Dementia is a terrible thing.  I have managed to care for my mom for 40 plus years.  For the first 20 of the years things were great.  She has always been a little quirky but overall a joy.  20 or so years ago I started noticing changes.  These changes were subtle at first.  When you live with someone you often overlook the odd behaviors.  The last 7 years have been harder...and these past 4 years since Chuck died have been awful.  Now, I fear I can no longer care for her.  She is in a care facility now and it is my hope that she can happily stay there.  She was there 2 years ago after she fractured her hip and did not want to come home.  At this point I am pretty sure she has no idea what her home was..or who I am.. Because of the Covid restrictions no visitors are allowed.  I get updates frequently and from what I hear she is doing as well as can be expected at 95 with a broken back and dementia. I just want to tell her I love her.  That's all.  I am struggling with so many emotions now..fear, isolation, regret that I could not handle her care.  My prayers are for her and me and the world. 

April 15, 2020

Its been forever since I posted anything.  This blog has been on my mind so I thought I would start to write again.  I am very sure I am the only one reading it but that is just fine with me. I have been keeping a journal but that is filled with personal feelings about myself image and the lot.  These blogs are different.  They are about my life and the world around me.

We (and I mean the entire world) are in the midst of a pandemic. Yup..a freaking pandemic named Covid-19 aka Corona virus.  It may have started in China or Italy.  No one is too sure about its origin but its a nasty bug that has taken too many lives.  At this point in time the world death rate is close to 150,000 with over 2 million confirmed cases.  The whole world has been locked down.  We cannot go to work unless you are an essential business (I am medical so I have been working).  Some folks are working form home.  Some poor folks are just out of jobs because businesses had to close.  The economy is tanking and we are headed into a certain recession and a possible depression.

I almost feel a little guilty that my world has not changed as dramatically as some.  I go to work daily.  I see Amanda, Jesus and Alanna almost daily.  My mom thrives even with her dementia. Shopping has been fairly normal for me with the strange exception that no one can find toilet paper or hand sanitizer.  Lucky for me I have always been over prepared for events such as earthquakes and storms.  I still cannot get used to shopping for just me and mom so I had an abundance of food and plenty of TP.  I feel so deeply for those who are struggling just to get food and manage to pay the basic housing bills.  So far I am lucky.  Not sure it will hold out.  Its been a month since lock down.  If it goes on much longer I may not be able to say the same.  We must practice Social Distancing..stay 6 feet apart.  Wash your hands (I mean..do we really need to tell people that...YES). No public gatherings.  No large crowds.  No dance events ..I am so so so sad.

We must wear masks in public so I have dedicated a lot of sewing time to making masks and making sure everyone I love has plenty.  I sent a bundle to the LBGTQ Center also.  My grandchild Lith (aka Quinn) is making the slow transition from male to female.  I am so proud of her for finding her true path in life at an early age and not living a personal lie.  I know too many that have lived that lie for their family or were in denial only to regret not being themselves. 

Wow this thing really rambled on...lots of topics. I will end nor now but promise to keep it up.

Be safe..Be strong.. I am here to hold your hand if you need me.

Here I am again...Part of my early New Years resoltuion is to keep up with my blog. I am pretty sure no one reads it but I am still going to write it. Halloween came and went without much hoopla. Amanda and Jesus celebrate thier anniversery on that day so I spent much of the afternoon making my lovely daughter look like Medusa. I covered her with scales and snakes. She looked awesome. Thanksgiving was more traditional...but tradition has a way of morphing in our family. Yes there was turkey and stuffing..PIE..of course. But we started a new tradition last year. Amanda and I fire dance (and eat fire..no calories) after dinner. My brother takes pictures and then uses them for his photography class. This year I can honestly say having those pictures taken kept me from over eating..Who needs to see a bloated fire dancer...We did a little spinning with fire poi, flung some fire fans, hooped a hot hoo and swallowed a burning wick..Fun!!!!

Alaska

It again has been too long between blogs.  But here I go again, making an attempt to talk about my life to anyone who has the time to read about it.  Just  a day ago I returned from the trip of a lifetime.  My family and I went on a cruise to Alaska.  I have waited ten years for this trip and although it was not the trip I was expecting it was monumental. Let me explain..  After my cancer diagnosis ("you have 6 months to live") I swore that if I lived tens years I would go somewhere fabulous.  Fiji was my first thought but as the tenth year came closer I realized how astronomically expensive a trip to Fiji would be and how much I dislike hot, humid weather. So Alaska seemed to be the perfect option....saving and scrimping for this trip was an all out effort.  Times have been challenging.  But I squirreled away bits of money here and there.  When the time came to pick our excursions for the trip, I was pursuaded not to look at price but  the adventure.  So I opted to go on a back country jeep adventure (complete with indian canoe paddle trip across an artic lake) and a helicopter ride that would land on the Mendenhall Glacier.  I was so excited that I had made the decision to do these once in a lifetime adventures....only to have them cancelled due to poor road conditions and bad weather.  Wow..traveling 2000 miles and shut down!!Bummer.  But we managed to find other fun things to do.  Hey, we managed to find $32.00 in gold while panning and saw the fabulous sled dogs, ate enough fresh crab to make anyone jealous..  Alaska is beautiful...but the most wonderful part of the trip was being with my family..My husband, daughter, son-in-law and my brother.  This is our first trip together, but I hope not our last..  Princess cruises are absolutley amazing..I did nothing but eat and play for seven days.  I cannot wait to plan my next trip..Lord please do not let this take tens years.

Time and other Strangers

Wow, it has been a very long time since I blogged...a very long time. I guess time has gotten away from me. It seems, as time marches on, its passages has gone from snail slow to slow and steady to quick paced to OMG where did the time go.
My birthday approaches and I somewhat conflicted. First of all the date is 9/11...a significant date in history as of 10 years ago (my how quickly time passes you say). That alone makes me wonder about celebrating my birthday. I will also be just that much closer to 60 (still a bit to go but closer all the same). I wonder if I should still be doing the things I do. I still belly dance..I still play with fire..I love to try new and unusual things..Should I still be doing crazy stuff..
After much thought I reflected on one of first blog comments....why must people obsess about age? Age is irrelevant to life. So on my 57th birthday I am taking flying trapeze classes..You read it right..I am off to join the circus. I am filled with fear and dread...excitement and anticipation. My life will be reflected in this freewheeling activity. I am pushing the limits ..but what else is new.! So I had shoulder surgery..so what...So I am afraid of height..There is a net..so I am 57 WHO GIVES A RATS ASS...Life is what you make it and I intend to make the most out of my life...and any one else who wants to join the circus with me...!!

California Winters

As I write this I am painfully aware of what an oxymoron the title is. California, at least Southern California, rarely experiences winters of any magnitude. Sure there are the occasional nights where the temperatures get down right chilly and I am forced to turn on the old heater. But winter...not really. There is noticeable change in the way the air feels. It gets dark earlier and the mornings warrant a sweater. I love those days when it is crystal clear and sunny outside, you walk out a realize it is downright cold. That does not happen much, but I love those days. We rarely get "weather". Rain, snow, hail and the like are infrequent visitors to this part of the state. When we do get the rain the news stations go a little overboard with teasers...Storm Watch 2009. For heavens sake, when is .25 inches of rain a storm. And heaven forbid people on the freeway would acknowledge that a little rain should alter the speed with which they drive..Ahh, the roads are slick, let's go 85 on the freeway!!
That being said, we are supposed to have an El Nino this year. No one seems to be able to predict when or how severe. I have seen several El Ninos in my life..1969 was a real doozy. It was the year my grandfather died..January to be exact. It was right in the middle of a 40 day rain storm. The ground at the cemetary was so wet he could not be buried until April. Then 1972, 1987 and 1997..I remember those. El Nino Winter in Southern California...Wet and wetter...We really have a dilema this time around. There has been a drought with no significant rain for at least five years. We are all praying for some relief from the drought and yet, many are praying for a little more time to shore up the fire stricken mountains. I assure you that if we do have an El Nino, as predicted, there will be much damage from flooding. The forecast is for a significant amount of rainfall much like 1969. Who knows..they call it prediciting the weather..I could predict that I would win the lottery but that is up to the winds of fortune as is the weather.
So for now I will appreciate the chill in the air and laugh when STORM WATCH 2009 shows up on the TV. I will probably not get a white Christmas or even a wet one but that will do nothing to "dampen" my true joy in the season.